Shrinking to Fit
What leads us to shrink ourselves in the name of love?
I did it again. I spent the past several months serving myself up in bite-sized pieces in order to keep the peace in my relationship.
Case in point — I stopped publishing after getting back together with my on-again/off-again partner. Why? Because if he knew I was writing publicly about my innermost thoughts and feelings, I feared it would end our relationship. I even wrote a version of this post months ago, vowing that I would never shrink myself to make him happy again. Of course, by not posting it, I was shrinking myself to keep him happy.
Hahaha. I know.
The thing is, shrinking yourself to please someone else doesn’t work. It leads to stress, depression, and resentment. And ultimately (at least in my case), the dissolution of the relationship. I know all of this. I have lived all of this for nine years. But I did it anyway.
What is it that makes some of us think we have to sacrifice parts of ourselves for the sake of our relationship? My (ex) partner never did that. He had no qualms saying exactly what was on his mind. He lived out loud on his terms.
Unfortunately, the louder he got, the further I shrank. Fear of saying the wrong thing and losing the person I loved prevented me from speaking my truth. I twisted myself into knots trying to please and cater to his needs while ignoring my own.
Still — it didn’t work. My inability to vocalize my needs and wants ultimately contributed to our demise. So all of the time spent repressing myself to sustain an unhealthy relationship was time I could have spent improving myself. For yes, had I been my authentic self and spoken my truth, our relationship absolutely would have ended sooner.
Was I the problem? YES! Because I never should have stayed in (or continued going back to) a relationship where I didn’t feel comfortable enough to be my whole self, speak my mind, or chase my dreams.
Was he the problem? YES! Because despite his assertions that he always wanted to hear the truth, he failed to provide me a safe space to do so. Choosing instead to talk over me or try to gaslight me into believing any issue or concern I voiced was my fault.
The more he denied and deflected, the louder the war raged between my heart and my head. What was worse? Speaking up and fighting for myself at the risk of losing my relationship? Or retreating at the risk of losing my self-esteem. Sadly, I usually chose the latter. Shrinking smaller and smaller to the detriment of my own well-being.
So I publicly vow never to shrink myself in the name of love again.
I hope you won’t either. Because if you are truly loved, you should feel safe enough to be yourself. And if you truly love someone, you should be willing to give them the safe space to be themselves.
